Marriage in the Age of Trump- Week 6

Feel Stuck? Reach for Wisdom

I'm not gonna lie. It's been a hard week. I've been sick in bed for six days and am just now finding some strength. On top of that, I saw a post of my husband’s that made me wonder what I’m doing here.

His posting personality does not reflect the man I know at home. Yea, he can get in moods, and yes, he has to watch out for his quick-to-anger temperament, but overall he’s a loving, respectful guy.

He’s admitted, “When I feel threatened, like I’m going to loose connection, or like I’m not allowed to have my own thoughts, I get angry and push back with defiant posts.” I love his honesty and insight. I don’t love that he gets taken by the impulse anyway.

Neither do I love when all that unexamined privilege, grandiosity, and toxic (white guy) masculinity comes pouring out, making me think to myself, Dear God…How did I get here? This is not the man I married.

As I lay in bed, unable to get up for anything but the bare necessities, I stared out the window in a state of a deep fatigue, and imagined leaving.

In a hypnagogic state, I pondered, in feeling as much as thought, What would it be like to not be held in his arms, not only physically, but emotionally and financially? Would I end up old and alone? Would I regret it? What about our family? Would our 20-something kids resent me?

In my flu-induced-state, I felt like I could just slip out of the marriage. I imagined it might even be fated, written in the stars if you like. After all, I’m having my second Saturn return, for those of you who are familiar with astrology.

But then, he came into the room to bring me breakfast, and I saw the man I loved. That smile, warmth, and joie de vivre I depend on like the sun. (That is, when it’s not hidden behind his phone, as he researches a comeback for his current debate.)

Soul tired, and with little hope, I knew I needed to reach for wisdom.

I ended up spending the next few days listening to two wisdom-packed books while recovering in bed:

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real

I’ll share a few nuggets that stood out for me. Some were basic, but I still needed to hear them. Maybe you do too.

From Mel:

1. People only change when they feel like it.

2. People only heal when they’re ready.

3. The only person I have control over is me.

And from Terry:

1. Getting to know our “losing strategies” helps us interrupt them. When I’m not in my mature adult, I tend toward complaining victim. How about you?

2. We need to be able to stand up for ourselves, and cherish our partners at the same time. He calls this, “soft power.”

3. Once we learn to work as a team, as “Us” not, you vs. me, we can find our way through.

Listening to these books helped me climb out of, “I can’t do this anymore.” This led me to my next reach for wisdom. I called two close friends. Ah…the company of wise and loving women. Ain’t nothing like it.

After these nourishing calls, I got my growth mind-set back.

A growth mind set sees challenges as opportunities, rather than obstacles.

My wisdom-cup filled, I felt less alone, and less like a victim.

I felt less alone because I was beautifully held in a moment of strife, and because I got to hear about my friend’s challenges as well. Their relationships aren’t easy either. And get this, we’re all therapists! We’ve done a shit load of work on ourselves, and still do. Bottom line: There’s no escaping the work of intimacy, political divisions or not.

I felt less like a victim because I heeded their advice. Darcy, the New Yorker said, “You’ve got to stop looking at his posts.” Then Roshi the Libra, softly asked, “What’s one small change you could make this week?”

So I did the Mel Robbins two-step:

1. Let Them: Let him have his crazy social media alter-ego. Let him post. Let him have his own opinions.
   
   Then step two:
   
   2. Let Me: Let me focus on what I can do. I agreed to stop looking at his posts for a week, as an initial experiment.
   
   I was proud of myself. I had reached out for wisdom and found center.
   

   And then, it was if the Gods were pleased with me, and decided to brew me a little delight.
   

   

   
   
   My husband came back from a walk with one of his closest male friends with whom he had spoken about our political tensions, and how I was triggered, yet again, by one his posts.

   And then he did something I have only dreamed of: He sat next to me, took my hands, and looked in my eyes. “I love you. I want to care for you and for our relationship. I’m open to looking at not posting about politics.” And then, right then and there, he agreed to take six months off political posts, after which we would reexamine. I was deeply touched.

   
   As it turns out, he was experiencing a fatigue similar to my own. Maybe that’s part of what inspired him to move from you vs. me (his need for freedom vs. my need for peace of mind) to Us (caring for the wellbeing of the relationship).
   
   There is still a tiredness in my soul, but there’s also gratitude for the sustenance I found when I reached out for wisdom, and for my husband’s loving decision to prioritize Us.

Today’s Prompt: When I need wisdom, I can reach for…

Keep that pen moving. Use the prompts to guide you, and let your stream of consciousness flow. 1-3 pages is recommended, as is handwriting.